insane crossover pairings
by LXBBandLXlightfan
Summary: these are all crack crossover yaoi pairings that I was either dared to write or drew out of a hat. the rating may go up. I don't own anything.
1. MelloxD

Mello was looking for a pet. Not just any pet, but an exotic one. Near had somehow managed to smuggle a polar bear into the country and Mello wanted to finally beat Near at something. He needed something so fucking spectacular that even Near would have to admit it was. He had done a google search on Matt's laptop (which he stole) and had found a shop in Chinatown that looked like the perfect place to get just the sort of pet Mello was looking for. He took a plane there and walked to the shop. When Mello walked in the door, the smell of incense hit him. A man that Mello assumed was the owner was sitting at a table in the shop eating some cake. The man was wearing a silk robe and had an extremely beautiful and delicate face.

"Hello, welcome to my shop. We have just about every kind of pet you could ever imagine. What kind are you interested in?"

"Something that's better than a fucking polar bear."

"Well, I think I know the perfect thing. But first, would you care to join me for some tea?"

"Do you have anything with chocolate?"

"I have chocolate cake."

"Ok." The two of them got into a long talk. Mello ranted to the man about his rivalry with Near. The man listened and then told him that his name was D and talked for a while about various bizarre animals and how magnificent they were. Mello found him extremely interesting. He found himself drawn to D. but, eventually D had to get around to showing Mello an insanely awesome pet, so he led Mello to the back room and unlocked a door. Mello was shocked to find a boy that looked exactly like him in the room that D had just led him to.

"This is a doppelganger." D explained "it can take on the shape and personality of whoever it wants to"

"This is awesome!" said Mello.

"Of course I'm fucking awesome!" said the doppelganger "better than that bastard Near. Both of us are."

"Damn right we are! D, I'll take him!" said Mello. D smiled and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket.

"Good! I'm glad to see you two get along. Now, just sight this contract and you can take him home. The contract has three rules. One, don't let anyone see him."

"That's easy. I can still find some other evidence of his existence to show Near."

"Two, only let him eat food that you would eat yourself. Three, don't kill yourself."

"Well, that sounds easy." Mello signed the contract.

"Before you go," said D, blushing "could I maybe…see you again sometime?"

"Yes, I would like that very much." said Mello "is a date ok?"


	2. LightxTobi

Light was really bored. He had already written down all the names for today and he had finished all his homework. There was nothing left for him to do. Suddenly, a random portal opened up and a man in an orange mask stepped out of it. "Um, who are you and how did you just portal into my room?"

"My name is not extremely important. Just call me Tobi."

"Why are you her?"

"Light Yagami, I have come to ask you to join my army and fight against the villages in my dimension. You posses an amazing power and would be extremely helpful."

"Why would I want to help you?"

"Because we are after the same thing if life. We both wish to create a new world. A world without evil. A world where only good people live. A world where we can be the gods and destroy evil before it can hurt innocent people. I would also be glad to help you rid this world of evil after we win the war in my dimension."

"You…really understand me. No one in this dimension does. I'm even being hunted because there are people who don't understand me."

"I am also being hunted. In fact, the entire war that I am asking for your help with was started because people do not like how I am trying to accomplish my goal. You see, in my world there is a power that lies in the moon. One can only reach it by putting together the nine pieces of a ten tailed demon together. I wish to obtain this power and use my eye that can make people see and experience what I want them to to make everyone in the world be kind and nice to one and other."

"I'll help you."

"Good, please come with me then." Tobi led him into a portal.

A few months later, they had won the war. Light was standing next to Tobi as he manipulated the world.

"Tobi, we've been working together for a while now to create a new world and I have something I have to say to you. Tobi….I love you." Tobi embraced Light and then took off his mask to kiss him.

"Light, I could never love anyone other than you. Let's rule side by side as the gods of our new worlds."


	3. GogyoxBlack

Black was walking to white forest. He had already tried to beat up a few Swanna, but his pokemon had taken a ton of damage and he needed to get them to the pokemon center. Suddenly, a giant oger popped out of nowhere and started running towards Black. Black was just about to send out his Darumation when a man with orangeish hair jumped in front of him and blocked the oger's attack with his giant axe. The man was wearing a tan jacket and sunglasses.

"Go, I'll take care of this." said the man. Black shock his head and sent out his Darumation. Darumation used fire punch.

"Wait, what the hell is that?" asked the man. Black showed him the entry in his pokedex.

"Ok? Um, well I guess you can fight with me since that thing can apparently take out ogers. My name's Gogyo by the way." black nodded and shook Gogyo's hand. Then, he showed him his trainer card.

"Ok, so your names Black. Nice to meet you. Now, let's finish this." Gogyo and Black's Darumation kept fire punching and pummeling the oger until it died.

"Um, thanks for the help. I don't think I could have beaten that thing by myself." said Black.

"Wow, you actually talked?" said Gogyo.

"Yeah, I'm just quiet usually."

"Heh, me too."

"Those sunglasses are awesome."

"Yeah, well I really just wear them to cover up my eye, but thanks."

"Your eye?"

"Yeah, my eye gives me the ability to see things that normal people can't and I can also read people's minds with it. So, you think I'm cute?" Black blushed and nodded.

"well, the feeling's mutual."

"I was wondering….since we seem to like each other, would you like to ride the fares wheel with me?"

"I would love to." said Gogyo.


	4. Sakon and UkonxZeus

Sakon and Ukon where nervous. Orochimaru had set them up on a blind date and they were a little worried because last time someone from the sound village had tried to set them up on a blind date they had ended up having to fight Hidan and Kakuzu. They both shuddered at the unpleasant memory and cursed Kidomaru. They walked into the room and where surprised to find a guy in a Hawaiian shirt with a pony tail. "Hey, so I guess you're the twins that my old friend Orochimaru set me up with."

"Yeah, we are." said Sakon.

"Well, I'm Zeus. Nice to meet you two. By the way, did I mention that you're hot?" Sakon and Ukon blushed at this.

"I'm Sakon."

"And I'm Ukon."

"We are both members of the sound five."

"What do you do for a living, Zeus?"

"Well, I used to be a hacker, but then I saw how boring mankind is and I wanted to make the world more fun. Now I control things like this." To prove his point, Zeus called a dragon monster over.

"Oh my god! That's awesome!" said Ukon.

"Yeah, and all it coasted me was my original body." Zeus said with a grin.

"If that's not your real body,"

"Then what is it made out of?"

"Well, it's actually a bunch of chords that come from a giant monster that I control. Really, I put my personality and mind in a computer program."

"That is interesting."

"We can meld into each other's bodies" Ukon melded into Sakons back.

"And separate." said Sakon, finishing his brother's sentence.

"We can also use our cells to attack people."

"Well, that's an interesting way to attack." said Zeus

"I don't want to be rude, but I was wondering if you would like to come to bed with us since your hot." said Ukon.

"Ukon! You can't just say that!"

"No, it's ok. I was just about to ask that." Said Zeus.


	5. EnvyxBeyond

Beyond was walking down an alleyway one day, when he saw a little green lizard. It was raining and the lizard way trying to stay dray. Beyond thought that it was extremely cute, so he picked it up and put it in his pocket so that it would stay dry. Beyond had an umbrella, so he didn't have to worry about his pocket getting wet. When Beyond got back to the warehouse that he was temporally staying in, he took the green lizard out of his pocket. Upon closer examination, Beyond was surprised to find that the lizard had six legs. "It's ok. You'll be protected from the rain here." The lizard was tired, so it fell asleep in Beyond's hand.

The next morning, when Beyond woke up, he was surrounded by a group of people. "Who exactly are you guys?" he asked.

"This place is ours. We're a group of people known as the rainbow badgers. We've let you sleep here for a few nights, but you need to leave now."

"The badgers…..I think I have heard that name before. You are a notorious drug dealing gang, correct?" the man pulled out a gun. Beyond smirked. "You're going to die in a few seconds." Just then, the lizard, who had been sleeping in Beyond's pocket, jumped out and lunged at the man with the gun. The man with a gun seemed to melt and get rearranged into the shape of an attractive young man with dark green hair that resembled a palm tree that was wearing extremely skimpy clothing. The man's life span ended. The newly formed man with the green hair lunged at some of the other people in the crowd and they seemed to all meld with him and come together to form a giant monster.

"Get on my back." the monster said to Beyond, as it knelt down. Beyond got on. The monster grew spikes out of its long tail and killed all of the remaining men in the warehouse with it. When they were all dead, Beyond jumped off it's back and it turned back into the man with the green hair.

"I am extremely grateful to you. You have saved my life." said Beyond.

"It was nothing, I just wanted their souls." said the man "my name's Envy. I'm a Homunculus, which is an extremely evolved race compared to humans. I've had to hide that small form that you picked up for quite a while. I faked my own death and it coasted me a lot of my power."

"To tell you the truth, I've never quite cared for humans anyway. They just want you to be their tool."

"You're the first human who's said that. Thanks for taking me out of the rain."

"Now that you have your original form back, what are you going to do?"

"What are you going to do?"

"I want revenge. Revenge on the person who made me like this."

"Will it involve violence?"

"Yes."

"Then count me in."


	6. HidanxNear

Hidan had had a pretty successful night. He had gone out hunting for a worthy sacrifice to use in his ritual and he had just happened to find a lost boy wandering around. The second Hidan saw him; he picked him up, stuffed him into a sack, and ran back to the Akatsuki hideout. Hidan set up a circle and opened the sack. The Boy crawled out and started twirling his hair. This was the first time Hidan had managed to get a good look at him. The boy had snowy white hair that was the same color as Hidan's. The boy was wearing pajamas that matched his hair and he had onyx black eyes. "Where am I?" he asked Hidan. His voice was high pitched. Hidan diden't answer him. He just picked up his scythe and made a small cut on the boy's hand. He drank the boy's blood and stepped into the circle. He was about stab himself, but he hesitated. Hidan couldn't bring himself to kill the boy. Was it because he found the boy, dare he say it, cute? "what are you going to do to me?" asked the boy.

"Shut the hell up! I'm trying to think!" said Hidan. There was a long pause, and then the boy asked

"Did you kidnap me because you're an insane Kira worshiper?" Hidan was disgusted by the question. He had heard of Kira before and found his religion to be an abomination. Sure, he killed, but he did it for insanely bogus reasons.

"Oh hell no! Don't mistake me for one of that bastard's god damn mother fucking followers! I'm a Jashionist!"

"Well, I'm case you don't know, I'm Near." This made Hidan jump. He had also heard of Near, but he could never had guessed he would be a cute little ball of fluff like this.

"Um, how old are you exactly?" Hidan asked.

"I am seventeen." Just then, Zetsu came in.

"Hidan, we would like to know if you are done with your ritual so that we can have the body." said Zetsu. Then, he noticed Near. "Especially since you have an extremely tasty looking sacrifice this time." Zetsu added, licking his lips.

"Well, you can't have him. Now go the fuck away." said Hidan.

"You know," said Zetsu "by now you usually kill your sacrifice. Could it be that you have feelings for this one?"

"I told you to get the hell out!" yelled Hidan. Zetsu grabbed Near.

"Since it's probably not a good habit for you to get attached to your sacrifices," said Zetsu "I think we should head this off at the pass." Near tried to squirm out of Zetsu's grasp, but it diden't work. Zetsu was too strong.

"Hidan, help me!" Near whimpered. Zetsu popped him into his mouth and swallowed him.

"Oh hell no! I'm not going to let the author kill him off **again**!"

"Hey, you're not supposed to break the fourth wall!" said the author.

"Shut the fuck up!" said Hidan. Hidan got into a long fight with Zetsu. Eventually, Hidan managed to pin him down and cut open his stomach. Hidan pulled out Near, who was unconscious, but still alive, because the author felt guilty about how many times she had killed him off in her fics. Hidan held him close and said "I'm never going to let you get hurt again."


	7. MattxItaly

Matt had gotten dragged to a party by Mello and was bored, so he decided to play video games in a corner. Eventually though, Matt got hungry and decided to get some of the food that was set out. To Matt's surprise, all of the food was some sort of pasta dish. But, since Matt wasn't extremely picky about food, he just shrugged and grabbed a plateful. Matt was surprised to find that the past was good. Really good. In fact, it was the best past Matt had ever tasted. He was a bit curious as to who had made the pasta, so he decided to ask the other people at the party. No sooner had Matt walked into the living room, when he heard screaming coming from the kitchen. "Why the hell isn't there any chocolate?" Matt heard Mello scream.

"I'm sorry! I only know how to make pasta!" a whinny voice said back. Matt decided to walk into the kitchen to see what kind of trouble Mello had gotten himself into this time. Matt saw that the man Mello was yelling at was wearing a blue uniform of some kind and had orangeish brown hair with a single curl sticking out.

"Well you know what? You can take your pasta and shove it up your ass!" said Mello, flicking the alarmed man the bird.

"Mello, calm down. I brought some chocolate from our house in case they didn't have any at this party." Matt handed him a chocolate bar. Mello walked out of the room, satisfied. "Sorry about that. He has PMS. I thought that the pasta was amazing."

"You really think so?" said the man.

"Yeah, that was the best pasta I've ever had."

"Thank you!" the man screamed as he tackle glomped Matt. Matt got up and went back to playing video games in the corner.

Later on, the same man that Matt had talked to earlier came over to him. "Um that you for helping me out earlier. My name is Italy and…. I was wondering if you would….like to dance?" the man was blushing about fifteen shades of red. Matt was at a saving point, so he said yes.


End file.
